SHELTON: Hi Sis, Good question! I have two of thoughts on this. The first is he needs to know everything that will affect him. Example, because of something you did in your past a police officer is coming to arrest you; well, your fiancé may be the very one who has to bail you out. That is something you should offer up front before he asks. Two reasons for that is, it’s best to say it up-front before he finds out and leaves because now he questions if he can trust you to be honest with him. Being open about your past mistakes can promote trust between the two of you. Also, it can serve as a test for the love that the two of you share. If he leaves on account of your dark past, then I think that is proof that he wasn’t ready to be your husband. It is better to find out now if your spouse is all in than to split-up later on, whether it is physical or mental.My second thought is, don’t take the liberty to offer any information that may be irrelevant to him, unless he asks. If he does ask then, double check to see that he really wants to hear the truth. So ultimately no information from your past should be withheld if he wants it. Now, remember at the point of marriage the two of you will become one. This means that every bit of who you are comes into the marriage as well. I soon realized this to be true when I first got married and looked at the student loans that my wife had incurred before I even met her. Now easily enough, I hope we can all say that if your spouse is in debt you wouldn’t turn your back on them. Know that if the wife is in debt, then the husband is in debt too. Just imagine, how could it be that your husband is homeless because of past debt, while you are in the house well fed. This just can’t be.Also, if you asked this question because you have a troubling past, this may be an opportunity for you to overcome the weight this is putting on you. Don’t let your past hold you captive, but instead be free from it by your confessions. Confessions amongst believers have always been a part of our faith. Our past may not have been pleasing, but now we can use it as a testimony because we’re free from it. However, if you’re not free from your past then that is all the more reason to confess it so the body of Christ can pray for your freedom (James 5:13-16).
Grace and peace, Sis.
WINSTON: There are several approaches to this:
- Consider how much your fiancee is asking or wants to know; as with marriage, a couple is to be as one.
“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31. When you two wed, you will be one. Therefore whatever “baggage” you may have your spouse will have yet to deal with, one way or another, because now you are one. One way or another means, if it won’t be actual people from your past, it could come in the way of how you were affected by your past. Now would be the best time to divulge such things (on this side of the rings) as opposed to the other side.
- Also consider how you would want to know the same information yourself.
Matthew 22:37 & 39 “Jesus replied: “ ’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
“And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”
SHELTON: Hey Tessie, I’m not really sure what you mean by “sexual appeal.” I’m going to assume that you mean it’s to let him know that you’re a bad-mama-jama/dime-piece, or maybe it’s an “if you get married you’ll be good in bed” kinda thing. So to make a short story short, I have no clue what is meant by a woman showing sexual appeal to a man she’s not married to.I’m not able to respond to this question as you may have expected, but I can give you some godly wisdom on the matter. First, the holy women of the past never showed any sexual appeal to a man (only to her husband and what happened in the marriage stayed there). It was disgraceful for a woman to express sexuality to anyone other than her spouse. In our society, showing sexual appeal is the norm. However, even though we have lowered the bar, by no means are God’s standards decreased. The same God that clothed Adam and Eve of their nakedness—because it was shameful—is the same God who wants us to walk in an upright manner.That phrase sexual appeal is so strong for me, and I really can’t see it working out for the good. One problem with it is even though you may have good intentions, the man that your appealing to may be caught-up in sin because of what he experience from the sexual appeal. Things that cause people to sin will always be in the world, but we don’t want to be the source of that temptation (Luke 17:1). For a Christian, if there is the slightest possibility that what you do will cause someone to fall, our hearts should tell us not to do it (1Corinthians 8:13).You must be able to see the value and worth of a woman that God has given. There is really nothing more for a woman to do or add to herself, in order to appeal to a man. Proverbs 31:30 says it best, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” That is the true value of a woman, to fear the Lord! Besides, any man who you have to appeal to sexually before you can be sexual may not be the man for you. The holy women from the past found the secrets of showing true beauty, but it wasn’t in external things; it was in their gentle and quiet spirit that was precious in the sight of God (1Peter 3:3-6).Biblically speaking, sexual appeal should not be your or any other believers concern until marriage. Not while “dating”, “engaged,” or “booed-up.” If you’re not, married you’re still single. That’s the way it works in the world and in God’s eye. Side note: I know that common law marriage thing is getting out of hand, but that’s still not God’s standards, end side note.Think about this, if we’re looking forward to showing sexual appeal and that is not God’s standard for us, then how do we respond to Him? Do we submit to Him and deny ourselves or do we give in to our own desires?
Grace and peace, Sis.
WINSTON: Sister Tessie, Great question, and your premise of carrying yourself as a Christian woman is on point. First, as long as this remains a constant in your mind as well as your ways/actions, you have an empty canvas before you which could potentially become a masterpiece. Next, it must be established that there is no cookie-cutter answer, due to every man and situation being different, but there are some basics that can get you in position. Despite how it has been portrayed in many churches, romance is not only okay (see Song of Solomon), but it is even considered virtuous. The original Hebrew word for “virtuous” is “chayil” meaning ability, efficiency. Putting these two descriptive words together can provide some preliminary steps toward attracting the man for you. “Ability” denotes having/using skill, thereby it will take some thought and don’t leave out prayer. After all, as it states in 1 Corinthians 2:11 (NKJV) “For what man knows the things of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so no one knows the things of God except the Spirit of God.” The rhetorical question at the beginning of this passage let’s you know, ‘GOD only knows’ a man’s heart and mind. Therefore, this is your not-so-secret weapon — the omniscient GOD. This is where efficiency comes in. You being in touch with your Abba Father should not be underestimated like many people tend to do. He will let you know just how to proceed because every man is different.
NEHEMIAH: I think the biggest advice that I could attempt to offer is for you to use your discernment! A few years ago there was a dating game show on MTV called “Next” and on this show there would be five contestants riding around on a bus and one by one they would come off to have a blind date with a single person of the opposite sex waiting for their arrival. Now the interesting thing about this show is that the single person waiting for the contestant could at anytime yell NEXT and the blind date would be over. Sometimes the person would even yell NEXT right when the contestant stepped foot off the bus, sending them right back to their seat. By now you are probably like what the heck does this have to do with anything. Well discernment is kind of like the NEXT game show (not really, but kind of), you see as it relates to dating, a lot of singles in today’s society have become consumed with the idea of love and marriage that they allow just about anything to walk in their lives. But if we were really in tune with the Holy spirit we would dismiss anyone that came our way that did not match up with God standards for us. Now I’m not saying that you need to yell out NEXT every time a shady guy approaches you (or maybe I am saying this lol), but use your discernment and ask God for wisdom in determining the intentions of that individual. Ultimately this will help you in not spending time with multiple people trying to figure out which one is “right for you”.God desires for us to live a pure life and He has a perfect plan for each of us; when we open the door for anyone to enter our lives we set ourselves up for the potential of having that individual to deter us from that plan. We should never allow anyone in our lives that we couldn’t see as a spouse & God’s best for us, otherwise we would be wasting time and energy pursuing a relationship that may not be attached to our purpose. I challenge you to become consumed with your relationship with God & pursuing the things of God in your singleness and along the way use your discernment to eliminate any distractions that may attempt to come into your life. At the right moment God will reveal to you who is worthy of your time. SHELTON: Hi Anonymous. My advice is to not date. But first and foremost, our goal should be marriage and not a casual relationship. The Bible says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion, not that it’s better to date than to burn with passion (1 Corinthian 7:9). I don’t believe that God placed us here to date, especially how society views it. Dating is not clearly defined, and many moons ago it became a part of our culture. However, if you were to ask a hundred people what dating is, you may get two hundred different opinions.Dating gives us a platform to critique each other, instead of realizing that we’re all fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). I’m not saying that you should’t know the man you’re about to marry, but we must understand that there is a faith aspect to any relationship that is sent into our lives from God. We can’t think that we can perfect a relationship before it starts by putting all the chips in place. Again, I am not saying not to plan, but to realize that there is no security in the world; our only security comes from God.Dating can lead to lustful passions creeping up on you; I tell you that from my own personal experiences. Even after I had asked my wife to marry me, the three months that it took for us to get married were still filled with lustful desires on my part. What should we have done? I believe we should have move the marriage up sooner. But I say all that to say, just a long time period of being with someone you care so much about can lead to thoughts and actions that aren’t pleasing to our Creator. And just imagine some people date for years at a time and others only days. Now if it takes you ten years before you find your husband, during that time you could have been with 10 to 100 guys.So my advice is not to date, but to serve God and seek His righteousness (Matthew 6:33). God will allow your husband to find you when the time is right (Proverbs 18:22). All you have to do is make yourself available, and I believe you do that by serving God and seeking His righteousness.
Grace and peace, Sis.
From “Sold-Out”: Hey Guys, I have a concern, I’m a lady that’s grown up in the faith and committed to living for him 1000% however I realized as i grew up that I had to get rid of some things like certain music, t.v. shows, books, and places that aren’t godly and that I have to tune more into Christ. Yet, my concern is that now that I do not participate in certain things I’ll seem “too christian” to some men. God is like 75% of my subject matter and things like him, yet I guess I don’t want to be considered boring to other people especially the man God one day brings my way. So I think my question is what are some ways or things I can do (when starting a relationship with a guy) that would help make me more interesting or even things we can do maybe even on dates that could bring out the funner me rather than only christian me.
NEHEMIAH: Can I be real?! As a single Christian man I say make Jesus and the things of God 100% of the subject matter! I know you’re like “but Nehemiah wouldn’t that make me boring?”…Nope, not for a genuine man of God. I’m not telling you to speak in parables and drop scripture the whole time you are conversing with a guy (it’s not that deep), but I am saying be upfront with your relationship with God, set standards, and let your lifestyle speak for itself. You see Jesus should be “THE SUBJECT MATTER” in any relationship we form and if a guy is not interested in that, is he really interested in you?! Now this is not a hall pass for you to end every sentence with “Glory to God” smh and only go to Church for dates (where they do that at) but it means that Jesus needs to be at the center of the conversations and outings you have. Here’s the other side of that…I believe that a lot of individuals think that Christianity is boring because they see it as rules and regulations to abide by rather than relationship with Christ based on uncompromising decisions. Want to bring out the funner side?…understand that it’s ok to go to the movies, go rafting, do laser tag, or enjoy a game (hopefully you’re not in Charlotte, NC because our teams suck) but do it in a way that does not compromise your relationship with God. You see God is not some god of rules but a father who wants us to have an enjoyable life in Christ and therefore He gives us instructions so that we can experience it the way He intended us to. The word of God says in 1 Corinthians 10:23 that many things are permitted, but not all things are beneficial or constructive…then in verse 31 of the same chapter it says “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God”. The first verse speaks on our free will as humans but then lets us know that everything we do isn’t beneficial to not only ourselves but those that are around us. The second verse lets us know in everything that we do we should be doing it for the glory of God. These two scriptures can help us in making decisions on what to and what not to partake in. Simply ask yourself if the movie you’re going to see is beneficial and bringing God glory or not and if it is not well you guys just have to see another movie. Is going to a candle lit dinner at 10 pm with someone of the opposite sex bringing glory to God or not?… and etc. (I think you get the point). You should even consider doing group activities so that you both are able to hold to your standards, enjoy friends, and have that extra accountability from others. Overall finding a balance in life and understanding that you “can” still have a good time as a believer without conforming to the world or neglecting your relationship with God, will help you in finding and exposing that fun side of you in any relationship. Lastly, don’t ever feel pressured into doing something just because you believe it would make you more interesting. Know that your desire to please God is a blessing and He will place someone in your life who has the same mindset. I pray this helps
~The Single Guy
SHELTON: HALLELUJAH! I love this question/comment. it brings joy to my heart every time I read it! Sis, I must say that it’s a beautiful thing to hear anyone wanting to serve the Lord wholeheartedly, so keep on doing just that! Don’t worry about being “too Christian”. That is the gift of God and His Holy Spirit being displayed in your life as the new creation you are (2Cor 5:17). As you continue to serve God, I do believe that when ,and if, He brings that guy to you, the issue of being considered boring won’t even be an issue. I say that because it’s God who is bring the man to you, not some so called relationship expert.Trust me, being true to the woman of God our Father has created you to be is perfectly fine. There is nothing about the Christian faith that says we’re not fun. Instead, now we can learn from the Holy Spirit how to truly have fun that is pleasing to God. For example: be open to do different things, be into what you’re doing, and be honest if you like it or not. Activities to do while courting may vary depending on your personalities, but here are some things I thought of: play board games or word games, go bowling, play mini golf, go skating, participate in different sports that the both of you can play or are willing to try, visit different attractions in your city, hang out with friends, and even reading together (not my favorite, but who knows). This list can go on and on, but you really have to create it yourself. Even doing things that you once did when younger can be fun, (it’s fun to let your inner kid run wild every now and then) so keep that in mind as well.It’s also very important that you do these things now with your friends to help you figure out what you like to do. Whoever you meet will already have some fun ideas of his own, so be sure to keep an open mind.I hope this help, Sis.
Grace and peace.
WINSTON: Dear Sister, first dealing with the moniker, you have to be careful not to let the script be flipped where “Sold- Out” becomes “Sell-Out”. The key is first clinging to your first Love, you know the one who first loved you? 1 John 4:19(NIV), “We love because he first loved us. Also, Psalms 37:4 (NIV) “Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” This word of GOD comes with a promise (whenever you see “will” in the Bible, that’s a promise).This bond is your strength. You probably didn’t mean to sound as if you want to put it on the back burner, but we can’t make any indication to the World, The Devil or the Flesh that we want to put GOD second at any point and time or else if we’re not careful, He will be, and I’m sure that’s not what you want [wink and nod inserted here].
However, you are on the right track by making the necessary adjustments in your life by putting GOD first and eliminating distractions of carnal and wordly things. Matthew 6:33 says (NIV), “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” This is Jesus, the ultimate bridegroom, speaking. Winston says from his experience, having found his soul-mate (see Sondra Lewis), start with “Phileo” love (friendship-level love vs. Agape love, the GOD-kind of love which is unconditional)when seeking that man of your desires; look for someone who’s a friend first. This is a love that you have with someone due to common interests. One man’s boredom is another man’s bouquet. My wife and I have tons of fun (as we have since we met). There’ the rub. Be about doing things that are fun to you where Christian men “just happen” to be and keep your eyes open for that man who’s single and having just as much fun as you doing that thing. This could be a sign of not only a good friendship, but, who knows, a great relationship. I’ll tell you who knows — YOUR FIRST LOVE! GOD knows and cares, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.
From Vee: My ex decided he didn’t want to be a Christian anymore, due to a ton of drama and he’s angry. So we broke up. How do I deal with keeping a distance, and while he self destructs? It’s hard to watch but I know if I stay, I’ll become bitter and angry.
JARRAD: Hello Vee. I will just start off by saying that it is quite unfortunate and sad that he would turn away from the faith, that is the first concern. Pray for him that he will return back to The Lord, that the Holy Spirit will convict him for trying lead a double life and he won’t enjoy the pleasures of the world. Also, access the issue. Why did he turn from the faith?One thing I will always remember that TD Jakes said, “If someone wants to walk out of your life, then let them walk!” The Apostle Paul also addressed this issue also in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, “If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the UNBELIEVER departs, let him depart; a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases.”At this point, pray for him, but ultimately, you must guard your relationship with The Lord Jesus, and keep it moving. Walking away from the faith is the main red flag, denying the faith is worse than dissolving the relationship. I hope this helps! God bless! SHELTON: Hi Vee, It’s very difficult for me to respond to your question, because I don’t really understand it fully. If you want to comment and give more details, I would be happy to give more feedback. I don’t understand the “self destructs” or “[you] become bitter and angry” part.But one question you should ask yourself in the midst of this situation, how do you glorify God in all this? As Christians our goal should be to bring glory in all we do to His name (1Cor 10:31). In this situation use the wisdom of God to guide you, if you don’t have it then pray for it (James 1:5). Also ask yourself, do I understand my identity enough to stay and give comfort that God gave me to give other (2Cor 1:4)? Or am I not strong enough for this that I may be tempted in some kind of way (Gal 6:1b).
I know you have already hinted to those questions in your statement, but I’m talking about being the conquerors we were meant to be (Ro 8:35-37). By that I mean if someone yells at you and you lose your cool, then we know that you have a problem with you keeping cool when someone yells at you. So the question is will you forever remain captive to those who yell at you? By all means, no! Similar to the way a child use to crawl on the floor, but now he/she is able to run around, is similar to how we overcome. Many of us have a hard time transitioning, but it must take place for us to grow. Don’t be afraid of some suffering for Christ, they last only for a moment. Grace and peace, Sis.
WINSTON: Dear Vee. There could be several approaches to this situation depending on how you would clarify some very important distinctions. First, if “my ex” means, ‘ my ex boyfriend’, then that’s quite different than ‘my ex husband’. If the distinction is ‘my ex-boyfriend’, then now is the perfect time to determine if you want to commit to a long term relationship such as marriage anyway. If this was your ex-husband, then that is a different matter. If you all were married and especially have children, then keeping your distance is not easy due to the different levels of ties ( pertaining to marriage – the “one-flesh” union; pertaining to children, the obvious tie via the offspring). It would also be interesting to know what this ‘ton of drama’ is. Luke 9: 51 – 56 speaks of an issue where the Samaritans did not receive Jesus. In the 54th verse, James and John asked the Lord, “Lord, wilt thou that we command fire to come down from heaven, and consume them, even as Elias did?”
v.55 But he turned, and rebuked them, and said, Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of.
v.56 For the Son of man is not come to destroy men’s lives, but to save [them]. And they went to another village.
So this ultimately says, that despite the relationship status, we should value every soul as precious and desire that none perish but that all should be not only spared, but saved and then thereby blessed. The best thing to do is continue (assuming you haven’t stopped) to pray for him and that he will be enlightened, but if you’re not married, distance is necessary. Note how Christ and the apostles kept it moving at the end of that passage.
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. – James 4:7
In the book of James, he writes to a group of people in the first century because many of them had been dealing with so much confusion with living in accordance to their new faith. James writes to encourage and build up the church, and in chapter four he deals with the main focus of Christianity: “Submit Yourselves Then To God.” Christianity is centered on the individual completely surrendering to God. I heard this quote in church; the people are more focused on “’churchianity’ rather than Christianity.” The difference between the two is that in “churchianity” you may believe in God, but there still no conviction in your heart to obey His will (James 2:19). But in Christianity, the believer surrenders all that he or she has to God. If we do not surrender completely to God, then all our fights and quarreling will lead us to become friends of the world, and enemy’s of God (James 4:1-5). Here are some questions to ask yourselves. Do you take pleasure in reading God’s words? When reading God’s words, do you submit to the commands of the Holy Spirit? Is there a decrease of sin in your life? Do you enjoy fellowship with other believers? Do you have compassion for those who are lost or without? Are you longing for the return of Christ and not your own pleasures? If you cannot answer “yes” to all these questions, then you have not fully submitted on to God. Just imagine if you had a child and told him or her to go to bed (and by that you mean go to sleep), but instead of going to sleep the child gets in the bed, takes all their toys, food, TV, and games with them to bed. Would this be obedience to your authority as a parent? Of course not. Well it’s the same with God; we must surrender in full obedience. Here is the up part: If we submit to God, then we will be resisting the devil and he will leave us. James 4:7 say, “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” From Anonymous: How do you handle having scriptural disagreements with your husband while still remaining submissive?
|SHELTON: Hi Anonymous,Whenever my wife and I disagree, I take her back to the Adam and Eve story and let her know it was the woman who was deceived and not the man. That usually ends the disagreement.Kidding.I may be the joker of the group; don’t pay me no never mind.
So on to the question. I think there are a couple ways to go about seeking truth. By that, I mean not wanting to prove your point, but to find God’s absolute truth. Hopefully, both of you are in that place where you want to find truth. Before you start, pray for wisdom and the Spirit of unity to dwell in your home.
Eph 4:3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Jas 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.Step 1. Ask him to show you why he feels the way he does from the scripture. Hopefully, he will see his faults or you will see yours. If you see your faults, but still think about another scripture that says different, show it to him and let him know you don’t understand. Then, talk about it. Be aware that this step may require outside assistance from someone else, if the both of you are confused. Scripture will never contradict itself. Whenever there is a problem, it’s within us.
Step 2. If he has no scriptural references, ask him why he believe what he does and show him why you believe what you do from the scriptures. This is why it’s important for all us to know God’s word. Do this by the words of the Apostle Peter, 1Pet 3:15 but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect. If neither of you have any scriptural references, this might not be a scriptural disagreement.
Step 3. If step 1 or 2 don’t work, go with him to get advice from other godly people that are impartial. Prov 15:22 Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed. I hope this step is not too challenging, but if you’re in a church it shouldn’t be a difficult thing for the two of you to sit and talk with one of the ministers or the pastor. Grace and peace Sis.
JARRAD: In life, disagreements in marriages are bound to happen and disagreements on the Bible are no different. It’s still the job of the married couple to be submissive to one another, but when a situation comes where it can potentially cause division, stop and pray! Do not allow Satan to get a foothold due to something such as this. Pray to God and also read the Scripture(s) together to come to a resolution. If this situation causes a rift, then seek others who may be close to you as a couple and ask for godly counsel.
WINSTON: Despite not having a more specific description of your situation, (such as, is your husband born again or do you all attend the same church or are you both in the same denomination, etc.) There could be several general ways to address this situation. First, if your husband is not a believer and is just arguing scripture, you need to remember that you could be the closest example of a Christian that he sees. Romans 14:1 (NIV) states, “Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters.” 1 Corinthians 7: 16 (NIV) says, “For how do you know wife, if you will save your husband? Or, how do you know husband, if you will save your wife.” This passage provides an image of how significant a spouse’s witness can be. Though the question is posed rhetorically, it stands to mean that we are to be effective witnesses to our mates. Second, however, if your husband is a man who is a believer, whether he is new to the faith or an anointed “man of GOD”, it would be wise not to find yourself being a stumbling block to him. One thing that the over whelming majority of men I know and have known desire, is for their wives to respect them. If he is saved, trust the same GOD that is in you, who enlightens you, to enlighten him. Even if you believe that your husband is dead wrong and his views are directly contrary to scripture, pray for him and trust that GOD will reveal the truth to him. James 5:16b (NLT) says, “…The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” Finally, as you have so indicated that it is your desire to be submissive (despite modern popular belief, this is not a curse word), it would be wise to remember Romans 14:16 (NIV), “Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil.” Communicate your views (plant the seed), in love, let it be watered by someone else (a pastor or another spiritual leader he respects) then let GOD give the increase (derived from 1 Corinthians 3:7).
SHELTON: Hey Anonymous, Marriage is hard, but it’s also fair. Your husband will ask you to do some strange things, but remember to submit and give that man what he wants, good luck. Next question please, just kidding . But seriously, I don’t think that you’re wrong for not wanting to do certain things. First of all marriage is not about sex, but about sacrifice that the two of you will share. I think so easily in society because of our sexual environment, it can seem like sex should be the foremost thing on our mind. By “sexual environment” I mean sex is everywhere. I just saw the other day on a Hardee’s commercial where a woman took her top off in order to market a chicken (or turkey, I can’t remember) sandwich. Now don’t get me wrong, I love chicken and turkey and sex with my wife, but I would have never thought that the two would come together.
So while addressing this question, I think it’s best to look at marriage in the Bible because marriage is the context in which you are speaking of. So in order to fully understand marriage, which of course you and your fiancé need to grasp as best as possible, let’s take a brief look Ephesians chapter 5 where the Apostle Paul talks about marriage. In Eph 5:30-31, the Apostle Paul uses the language of Adam to describe the beautiful union of marriage. Following those verses he calls marriage a profound mystery and states that it refers to Christ and the church (Eph 5:32). Since he also references Genesis in those verses, let’s go back to the first marriage of Adam and Eve so that we can understand Eph 5:32 a bit more. In Gen 2:21-24 there is a view that we can see of the relationship between Christ and the church. Look at this parallelism in Genesis chapter 2. In Gen 2:21 Adam was whole, and so was our relationship with God in the garden. Then a rib was separated from man and closed up, so man was separated from God and the garden was sealed off because of sin. Gen 2:22 God brought the woman to the man, so in His reconciliation ministry He brought us back to Christ. Gen 2:23 she was taken out of man, so the church is formed out of Christ’s body.Gen 2:24 they will become one flesh, and we will be with God forever because of grace and be one (no longer separated). If it was about sex, then I believe we wouldn’t see the intimate language of “Adam lay with his wife Eve, after the fall of man (Gen 4:1).” Marriage is not about sex but reflecting the relationship that we share with Christ.But of course there will be sex, so what do you do then? I strongly encourage the two of you to talk about this now so that when you get to that point it’s easier to deal with. When my wife and I first got married, we didn’t have sex for a couple days. Were we still married? Of course we were. Neither of us were virgins, but I think for me, the thought of being married to such a beautiful woman was all that I needed at the time. Now we had talked before about our past sexual experiences, but for me, I enjoyed those conversations because selfishly I was thinking about what I would get once we were married. Well it didn’t turn out in my favor and because of my preconceived ideas about our sex life, and not truly looking at what marriage is all about, the disappointments of not getting what I expected sexually were a bit hard to deal with.
But now I know that marriage is not about sex, but about sacrifice.
Why was it hard to deal with? It was because I didn’t understand what Eph 5:21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ, meant. Now you could probably say easily enough that this verse applies only to the general Christian body. But the question is does it apply the husband and wife too? Well let’s look at some thoughts. First, the husband is the head of the wife (Eph 5:23), and the wife should submit to him (Eph 5:22). Eph 5:25 says, husbands love your wife as Christ… I think that should say it all, but if it doesn’t remember this, Christ gave his self up for us. That simply means that if we’re going to love as Christ, then we’ll have to give up our selfish desires as well, in order to reflect a relationship of Christ and the church in our marriages. If we have to give up our fantasy or desire “to do something strange for a little piece of change” in the bedroom, then by all means that is what we do. Again Peter reminds us in 1Pet 3:7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way… In a marriage you no longer think about your own desires, but that which is beneficial to the whole. Again we submit ourselves to each other. In Eph 5:29, as a husband he will then have to feed and care for you as if you were his own body. Now, virgin or not, we may be all uncomfortable in doing some things. So in the same way he may not want to do something that makes him feel uncomfortable, he should understand you may feel the same way. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife (1 Corinthians 7:4). Grace and peace Sis.
Marriage is not about sex, but about sacrifice.
WINSTON: First, dear sister, kudos to you for saving yourself for marriage! May GOD truly bless you for maintaining your precious treasure. Also, there is nothing wrong with your queries concerning this matter. This is the best time to find out just how your fiancee feels about this though. As this is your true concern, speak truthfully and openly about where you are with this, being aware that his answer ishis answer. Please don’t make the mistake of having preconceived notions about what he should say, if he responds openly and candidly take it for what it is. Many marriages fail because couples , for one reason or another fail to be wide open concerning such a valued thing. It may be good to include in this conversation to know how high on his list of priorities sex is. If it is something that you may truly not want to deal with, say whips and chains, then you will then be at another crossroads and we’ll be looking to hear from you again!
NEHEMIAH: I’m the “single guy” of this group so I’ll tread lightly on this question. You are not wrong for feeling this way but I don’t believe you should be alarmed. I believe part of the reason why your fiancé chose you to be his wife is because of your commitment to God to keep yourself before marriage. With that being said I know that he will honor you on your wedding night…and that’s pretty much all I can say without over stepping my boundaries.
Sincerely “The Single Guy”
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As a young boy, I grew up in church; listening to gospel artists such as Kirk Franklin, Donnie McClurkin and Fred Hammond. But Kirk, has a song I’ll never forget and it’s called “Love.” It goes a little something like this…
Love, a word that comes and goes but few people really know what it really means to love somebody, Love though the tears may fade away but I’m glad Your Love will stay cause I love You and You showed me… Jesus, what it really means to LOVE…”
As it approaches 3 years that my wife and I have been married, there are many things that I continuously have to learn about this thing called “Love.” Lets explore what the Apostle Paul has to say about this in the Chapter of Love. (1 Cor.13:4-8)
To suffer is not something that we would want to tie to love. Many of us, when we think of love, we think of butterflies in our stomach and endless romanticism, but when suffering visits a marriage, are we still head over heels about this individual? My wife and I have had our fair share of adversity and I’m sure that as time goes on, we will continue to face many battles; but I didn’t understand this when we first got married. I vowed to give this woman my life through the good and the bad, for better or for worse til death do us part, but as soon as adversity struck, I ran from my commitment and into the arms of another woman. Not only did I dishonor my marriage but I didn’t keep my vows to The Lord. We must remember, when you’re standing at the altar, you are committing your life to your spouse and, God becomes the Glue and the Head of your Union, without Him we really would not know what it means to love, for God is the embodiment of Love. How can we expect to appreciate the good times if its not interwoven with adversity? (Job 2:10) We had a lot of work to do and still to this day we have earnestly prayed to guard our marriage with all diligence, vowing to let no one separate what God has put together. Our society confuses love and lust. Lust seeks it’s own pleasure and satisfaction, but godly love seeks to meet the needs of others. I realized that I didn’t love my God or my wife like I thought I did. Truly, I didn’t really know God at all. In my immaturity I ran away at the first sign of hardship when I was supposed to be the Protector of my family and the Protector of my wife’s heart. Instead I ripped it out of her chest with my adultery and I sincerely believed that The Lord would surely strike me down for this, but in His grace, love and mercy He kept me, all the while making our Union stronger. Our Lord Jesus expressed this love through His actions, by laying His life down for us; He was born to die. Putting others desires first without expecting something in return is a sure indication that God’s love dwells in us. So when you’re in your emotions thinking only of your needs, wants and desires, look to the example of Jesus. When I think of what our Savior went through for us, I become overwhelmed with thanksgiving, because only He could have endured something such as the Cross. I couldn’t be half the Man that Jesus was, but I’m so thankful that He thought of me on that Cross, raising me to be the man He called me to be! In Luke 22:41-44, it displays a vivid description of the agony of our Lord. In His agony He says, “Not My will, but Yours, be done!” It is a sad thing that us as Christians pledge wholehearted devotion to Christ but we aren’t devoted and committed to our wives, whom we are instructed to love as Christ loved the Church. Jesus said, “Whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.” (Matt.5:32) My wife had every right to choose to walk away from our marriage, but she didn’t and I’m thankful not only to her but to God. We are always to look for reasons to restore the marriage relationship rather than for excuses to leave it. We live in a world where divorce had become acceptable, even to some in the Body of Christ. Divorce is never an option for solving problems or a way out of a relationship that seems dead. Again, not only are we making commitments to our spouses, we are making a commitment to God. We must honor our vows, Jesus said we should “let our ‘Yes be Yes,’ and your ‘No, No.” (Matt5:37) Marriage is awesome and God had marriage in mind for us to enjoy, but it is also hard, filled with many ups and downs. He never said it would be easy that’s why we must take into consideration who we allow to have our hearts. The person that longs to have you must love and be committed to Christ, only then will someone truly know how to value you and appreciate your worth! No matter what challenges we are facing in our marriages, purpose in your hearts to make it work. God is capable of healing any hurts and repairing any relationship, He was a craftsman by trade and He is the master craftsman. Trust Him with your life and your marriage, if He can do it for us, He can do it for anyone!