I won’t lie this season has been difficult. As I am transitioning into the unknown of what God will do next, I have often struggled to find my rhythm again. Admittedly, the feeling of worthlessness have sneaked in and I’ve felt more like a victim than a victor. I’ve been sorting through memories old and new and reliving them all over again. I’m writing this in the midst of another potential relationship gone sour because both of us failed to commit thanks to my insecurities and their pride.
For the past few months I’ve felt worthless. This feeling of not being good enough I can’t shake. It always finds me in moments of joy and never leaves in moments of defeat.
Something is buried deep in every woman’s heart, in her soul, where someone or something made her feel worthless and I can sit here and replay every situation in my life where I felt this way. Worthless, fat, ugly, stuck, empty, I’ve been there. The worst moments of my life happened in the hands of others who swore they’d never abandon or hurt me. They promised to protect and love me forever.
Forever never came and I’ve often blamed myself for their behavior. I fed into the lie maybe I deserved the abuse and abandonment. I wasn’t worth the investment because others saw through my tough exterior and didn’t like who they saw underneath; the real me.
I tell myself everyday the way I feel is normal because I’m a woman. It’s okay to have moments of insecurity and doubt as long as those feelings don’t keep me from seeing the bigger picture of God’s plan despite them. But to sit and tell any of you I actually believe I’m worth being loved by a man other than God, I’d be lying. Most days I don’t feel it. I don’t see it and I’ve considered spending the rest of my life alone. This has caused me to turn inward and focus on aspects of my character I often overlook in my defeat.
My worth as a woman has never been communicated to me. This is a hard truth I’ve had to swallow as I look back on every moment of my life where I felt worthless and had zero support to carry me. My parents never told me how they were proud of me. I was always met with rejection and criticism regardless of any of my achievements and when I tried fighting back, I was met with abuse. My worth withered.
How do we find our worth when we’ve never had it? On a deep and spiritual level, I know my worth can only be found in Christ. When it’s Him and I in my quiet time, He reminds me who I am and what I’m worth. It are the moments in between I’m struggling with. The world is noisy. The world tells me everyday how I will never amount to anything. The world tells me I’m not going to marry or find a man to love me. The world screams their dirty lies in every direction of my life when I try and turn the other cheek. The world is a filthy liar and I believe its lies.
The question why sits with me and stirs my heart. It makes me question everything I’ve ever felt and went through with other people. It makes me face the hard truth I’m not as strong as I think I am and there is more work for God to do in me. I don’t know how to die to my old way of thinking. A part of me isn’t ready to lay to rest the old me.
The only way I can find my worth as a woman is if I place God back on the throne of my life and leave my old way of thinking behind me. I’m not saying it’s easy or I won’t stumble again and buy into the enemy’s lies. But, they’re lies. And while they’re believable, they can’t define me any more. The moment I entered into a relationship with Christ, He promised a new thing. The old me was crucified and a new life began. Everyday He’s doing a new thing in my mind, body and spirit.
Ladies, I don’t have a magical formula to tell any of you how to feel. We’re women and we feel everything. We’ve all been through different walks in our life but they have all brought us to now and regardless of the transitions and opposition, we’ve endured it and came through stronger because of it. While I’m still trying to find my rhythm again in this new skin, a part of me feels whole; I feel worth it.
And it’s about time.