So I decided to leave…
I realize today that I am not as important to you as you have been to me all this time. I made you my number one priority, and I never believed that this was a problem, so I did not think twice about it; the so called love I had for you ran so deep. It breaks my heart to know that you have been pretending to be in a relationship with me. How could you do this? I did everything you asked of me and more, almost to the point of exhaustion, because I was trying to be perfect for you.
Many times I did not have the strength to continue forth in this relationship, because being your friend is hard. You do not allow people to make mistakes, and when they do, you are ready to get rid of them. I feel that you get into this place where you become so paranoid, and concerned that someone is going to hurt you, completely shutting down the possibility of trust.
Deep down you are looking for something or someone to purposely and intentionally disappoint you. I see you living in fear daily, always feeling that you have to be on top of your game, or in control because you’re afraid to truly surrender to God. Sometimes you operate in unpleasantly dysfunctional ways that are mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally depleting. Friendships, relationships, work, and your life all have to keep up with your unhealthy regimented habits. The people around you are on edge because they are living in your fears.
I have been around for a long time, and now I feel that I must withdraw myself because I can not take it anymore. You have been living this way for over eleven years now and I see you dying internally because you are overworked and trying to meet everyone’s expectations for your life.
I am fatigued just watching you. It hurts to leave you, but I thank God for showing me what is real; because I was surely blind.
Many times we want to make people or things more important than God, and I have done that in my friendship with you. God has been out of the equation for a long time and I was left holding onto you. You, who cannot love and care for me like Christ. I stayed because I believed that if I changed, you would change.
I basically had to put aside everything Christ called me to be sure that you could see me in the light I wanted, and still you could not see; but I guess that is because I was looking for you to fulfill me a way that only the Lord can.
I want you to remind yourself that it is okay that you are not perfect, and that you need a Savior. You have not been designed to live alone, thinking that you will get ahead by your own efforts; God’s workmanship is not structured that way.
I need you to open your heart. I believe you are stuck and it is time to come out of this bondage and move forward.
I thank the Lord for showing me these things about your life, because everything I shared with you, I see in myself. I do not think you realize that you are a miracle because you are still here and you have an amazing testimony to share.
Though we are parting ways, know that I will be living a new life, no longer holding onto the hurts, pains, and unforgiveness that I have carried in my heart towards you for years. I want to love as Christ has called, by loving Him first and then my neighbor as myself; clearly I have not been loving Christ or myself, which means I cannot properly or possibly truly love you.
“Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these,” (Mark 12:29-31 English Standard Version).
May God’s grace and abundant love be with you,
daily devotional Francine Ott